Thursday, August 20, 2015

Santorum Campaign now on Hospice Following Recent Polls.


-Butler Pennsylvania

Following months of absolute embarrassment and defeat at the polls, the Rick Santorum for President Campaign has been placed in hospice care.  Last weeks PolitiNO poll looking at the likability of all the candidates, the Santorum Campaign finshed with; 17% of respondents voting "Ew",  80% "Who?", with the remaining 13% as "Upset to even have to think of him."

The Santorum Campaign was conceived after a drug fueled one night stand between Rick Santorum and 5 political super donors of the conservative right.  From it's infancy, the Santorum Campaign was raised on a steady diet of bigotry and bad science.  At the age of one, the Campaign made a run for the 2012 Republican Nomination, even garnering a few delegates, which is something it reiterates again and again.  After the failed bid, the campaign headed to Koch University where it majored in fake hysteria and corporate subsidies.

Nearing the end, the Campaign questioned why his father Rick, who after communicating with God decided to run in the first place.  "Look, Rick told me he talked to the Almighty, and that it was important to get back in the game.  I figured with that kind of divine mandate, I'd at least be polling in the double digits.  I reached out to the the Supreme Being, and just like the past 2000 years, I have yet to hear a word."

The Campaign, who's life force depends on raising and spending millions of dollars has been unable to maintain healthy levels of financing.  When Dr.'s took a look at current levels, they gave the campaign two weeks to a month before it would finally be laid to rest.  "To be honest, looking at the Campaign, it's a political marvel it made it past 2012.  I'm not saying for certain blood magic is the reason this campaign is still sputtering along, but how else do explain it?" said Dr. Khal.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Man who trusted Fart Feels Utterly Betrayed after Morning Coffee

Austin, TX-

Danny Shartles*, a 42 year old office manager, expressed pure disdain after a routine morning activity took a slippery turn.  Mr Shartles, an avid 2 cup a day coffee drinker finished his usual 9- AM triple espresso soy latte without issue.  Extingusihing his Marlboro Light in the designated smoking recepticle, Mr. Shartles made the long journey up the 3 story office complex.

Danny Shartles describes his diet as somewhere between embarrassing and completely unacceptable. The two sausage, egg, and cheese mcgriddle's that morning were nothing out of the ordinary.  Fearing an unpleasant odor situation among colleagues, Mr. Shartles paused on the second floor stairway, to let out a routine post coffee flatulence.  "Immediately, I knew something had gone terribly wrong" Mr. Shartles said from the 3rd floor bathroom stall.  "My farts are usually a relief to my stomach, but this was sheer terror.  My body has completely betrayed me."

When asked what his plans for the rest day included, Mr. Shartles exclaimed, "I texted my out of work cousin Frank to see if he can swing by my place for a change of clothes.  Until then, I'll be here playing Words with Friends on my phone."

*Names have not been changed.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Ohio Man Rethinking Anti-Umbrella Stance


Robert N. Appels, 34 year old Columbus man is reconsidering his stance on umbrellas.  Appels, who was raised anti-umbrella since childhood, says the recent trend of more and more rain is making it "difficult to ignore."  "My parents were very fundamentalist poncho practitioners growing up.  My siblings and I just thought that's how the world worked.  It's hard now, because every time the umbrella situation comes up at work, my coworkers ridicule me for not getting with the times."

"I grew up in rural Arizona, and I rarely saw an umbrella out in public.  I guess most umbrella's were kept in the closet because it would look weird parading an umbrella around like that.  I'm guessing most umbrella people were afraid of the ridicule.  All of our neighbors were rain fearing poncho adherents."

"Once I moved to Short North area of Columbus, I couldn't believe the amount of umbrellas I saw.  Get this, I was walking past Union Cafe, and I saw 14 umbrellas out on the patio, just taking in the day.  It wasn't even raining, but there they were, blocking the sun for the patrons enjoying a nice brunch.  It was definitely an eye opening experience."

Asked if he would consider supporting an umbrella lifestyle, Appels responded, "The more I think about it, I'm not even sure why I was against them in the first place.  I've never been hurt by an umbrella, and quite a few of my friends rave about their style and dependability."

Editor's Note:  Mr. Appels wanted to let his family and friends know about his recent engagement to his long time partner following the recent Supreme Court ruling.  The wedding is scheduled for April 2016.  Umbrellas and Ponchos will be provided to all guests in the case of rain.

Escaped Inmate Leaves Scathing Uber Review

-Dannemora, NY

Following the recent arrest of escaped inmate David Sweat, Booze Brain Productions has obtained a non exclusive review of an Uber ride that never showed.

0 Stars

Zero FUCKING stars.

Requested an Uber for pickup at a secluded location near 2:00 am.  A driver named Joyce confirmed ride, and then never showed.  Tried to request another driver, but by that point it was surging 4.2x. Since Joyce never showed, I had to spend nearly three weeks hiking around up state New York in the forest.  Spoiler alert, it was pretty fucking awful.  I got lost and ended up losing my travel companion, who I just found out was shot in the head.  Not planning on using Uber for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Despite Pleas from her Advisers, Hilary Clinton Makes Free the Nipple Campaign #1 Priority


Before attending nearly 300 fundraisers later in the day, Hillary Clinton emerged from a meeting with strategists armed with a new focus and vigor on a variety of issues.  Many political analysts expected a re-branding after recent gains made by Sen. Bernie Sanders, and a general lackluster show of crowds at public events.

Former; First Lady, distinguished Senator from New York, Secretary of State, and current WWE Intercontinental Champion, Hillary Clinton took the podium to answer questions from reporters. Here is a small excerpt from the exchange, in which she explains her priorities going forward.

Reporter:  "Scott Windex, of Streaky Windows Observer, Recent polling shows you are still struggling to attract independents, especially men, how do you think you can make inroads with this demographic?"

Candidate Clinton:  "Well Scott, I'm really glad you brought that up.  Since the beginning of this campaign, I've only tried to do two things; figure out what is important to the American People, and raise a shit load of money.  Listening and stackin paper, ya mean?"

Reporter:  "Richard Trickle of Yellow Stream Examiner, You've been talking about an economy for the future, is that still your main concern?"

Award Winning Hot Dog Vendor Clinton: "Richard, what a fantastic question.  After much thought, the economy isn't really sexy or interesting anymore.  I've decided to change course and support the Free the Nipple Campaign.  Celebrity nipples are always near the top of trending topics, and I've always thought my nipples (Elanor Roosevelt and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis)  have a lot to offer to the American Public.  Therefore, starting today, I will only be appearing where my nipples and all American nipples, gay or straight, are welcome on display. Thank you everyone, that will be all for today."

Mrs. Clinton, former free diving world record holder, abruptly turned from the podium, at which point released her nipples to the the press corp and sang an A Capella rendition of God Bless America.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia Nervous about Marrying Another Man

-Washington DC

On the eve of what many court watchers expect a decision regarding the ruling of Marriage Equality, Justice Antonin Scalia was visibly disturbed on his way to a car.  Boozebrain Productions has obtained an excerpt from Mr. Scalia's personal yellow legal pad.


 Dear Diary,

          I am FREAKING OUT right now.  It's only a matter of time before LGBT people will have the same marriage rights as straight ones.  I've sworn an oath to protect and defend my true love; the sexy, syntaxy, barely there articles of the U.S. Constitution.  If marriage is Constitutionally protected for all, I see no other choice then to marry another man.  It seems prudent I should at least begin exploring a suitable mate.  Clarence "Teddy right to Bear arms" Thomas???  ( REMINDER: Ask the notorious RUTH Bader-G if interracial marriage is legal yet).
         I wonder if Dick "Slinging Bullets" Cheney would be open to the idea.  I mean he already has a lesbian daughter...could at least get some pointers from her.  His heart might be fake, but I heard his mouth rivals a hoover vac.
       NOTE TO SELF: ASK LINDSEY G TO SET UP GRINDR ACCT.  Chief Roberts is giving me the stink eye, better get going, yet his soft skin and warm inviting eyes....ohh there I go again, maybe this won't be soooooo bad after all. <3<3<3<3

When we reached out to Mr. Scalia for comment, he sent back a picture of himself naked covered only by strategically placed guns


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Antibiotic Resistant Super Bugs Hold Conference to Decide Timetable for Global Pandemic

-Las Vegas

This past weekend, a conference held at the airport Radisson consisting of what doctors and researchers believe to be a multinational conglomerate of antibiotic super bugs.  The most discussed topic involved their roll out strategy on a host of newly developed antibiotic resistant diseases, forged in the cauldron of over prescribed medications for simple illnesses.

Bordetella Pertussis opening speech touched on themes of a global pandemic not seen since the 1300's across Europe. "Brothers and Sisters, Strains and Infections, we are on the precipice of a new age of dominance.  The humans and their great ally of the Penicillium family, have wreaked havoc on our kind for too long.  Despite sustaining massive casualties for the last half century, we soon shall rise again.

Dr. Frank Stein, a pioneer in prosthetic development, has spent the latter half of his career studying the rise of antibiotic resistant drugs.  His warnings have gone largely unnoticed, due to a few ethical violations in his earlier career. "It's only a matter of time before one of these hot heads decides to unleash a violent pandemic putting millions of lives at risk."

Clostridium difficile colitis, a rising star in the super bug petri dish called for immediate action.  "The time is now, we must strike before humanity knows what hit them.  We should be leading the charge of multiplying and taking over every host we can.  I have had some productive talks with the murderous nutjobs at ISIS, and hope to partner with them as our goals are very similar."

UPDATE:  The CDC has formed an investigation responding to multiple outbreaks of rare diseases near the Las Vegas Airport.  Gary Buesey and Lindsey Lohan have been detained for questioning.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

South Carolina Confederate Flag Pens Op Ed Piece

South Carolina-

Dear Citizens and Flags,

It has come to my attention that I am being mentioned quite a bit recently.  To be honest, I never wanted any attention.  When I was just a boy, I was conscripted by a group of angry Southerner's who used my image without consultation as a battle symbol for the army of Northern Virginia.  At first I was excited to be noticed, and began to see myself in houses and battlefields across the broken Union.  It was quite an ego trip for a 2 year old flag.  I really didn't understand the full scope of the heartbreak and suffering caused by slavery and the ensuing war.

After the war ended, I was happy to retire, and glad I wasn't being used as a symbol for a society that enjoyed owning and abusing other human beings.  Some jerk offs in the KKK would parade me around a few times a year, but most didn't pay attention.  I was happy to spend my ensuing days in a dark closet which I did for nearly 100 years.

Imagine my surprise one morning during the 1960's when I was hung up at the South Carolina state house as a huge middle finger to those who supported desegregation of schools.  I couldn't believe it. They left me there for close to 40 years, at which point revisionist historians started to label my appearance and presence as a homage to Southern pride.  Never mind the fact that almost all of it was completely untrue.

So as I fly before you today, I am submitting my resignation effective immediately.  It's 2015 for fucks sake, and you assholes should have let me stay a reminder of what injustice and inequality can lead to.  I've talked with a few folks at ABC and they have agreed to let me be on a Extreme Makeover, Flag Edition.  The next time you see me, hopefully my outside appearance will match my identity on the inside.


Editor's note: The former Northern Virginia Battle Flag has emigrated to Canada and will take up residence with its new appearance at a nice Bed and Breakfast in Manitoba.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Sen Bernie Sanders accidentally Recites the first 50,000 digits of Pi


During recent campaign stop at the University of Denver, Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont packed a gymnasium full of supporters. The crowd just north of 5,000 people settled in for what was supposed to be a 45 minute speech about economic inequality and the erosion of the middle class.

At about the 20 minute mark,  Sanders, reading statistics from the Department of Labor seemed to get stuck reciting digits of Pi.  After 3 hours, and approaching 17,000 digits recited, supporters appeared confused and concerned.  "I just hope he's Ok, but I really need to get going" said Todd, a 26 year old generic supporter .  "I really like his message, but I just don't really plan on voting in the primary.  Who wants to go to a high school gymnasium and stand next to old people for 10 minutes?"

Nearing 6 hours and 40,000 digits, the only people left had all fallen asleep or were starting to come down off a pretty decent mushroom trip.  Campaign Manager for Sen. Sanders explained this has happened before, and it's imperative to let him finish without interruption.  "Whenever he gets a little too excited reading figures, his brain literally goes on autopilot. Not a chance he'll remember this once he's done."

"..57423604... And once we tighten the tax code, we will start to see real results." Sanders said as life seemed to flow back into his eyes, dropped the microphone, unaware he was standing in an empty building that had closed up an hour earlier.

In response to Deflategate, Tom Brady vows to throw 100 touch downs with Revolutionary War era cannonballs


Following an off season work out, Tom Brady took the podium for 2 hours to answer questions from reporters about the upcoming season.  Asked if Deflategate would be a distraction, Brady responded "Distraction? How's this for a distraction?" Brady then appeared to stare down the reporter who became lost in his glacial blue eyes for nearly an hour.

"So many people have made a big deal about my football being 11.5 oz instead of 12.  For the 2015 season, I will be playing each snap with an 1776 Boston Cannon Ball weighing nearly 14.6 lbs.  If I don't throw at least 100 touch downs, I'll watch a Rex Ryan foot fetish video."

Brady closed his press conference with a 10 minute runway appearance sporting his new Ugg line.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Curiosity Rover on Mars Fails 3rd Drug Test



Engineers expressed their disappointment, after super star rover Curiosity failed its 3rd drug test in as many tries.  Drug testing was instituted at NASA for employees receiving government assistance after Tea Party Republicans learned Curiosity had received over $1 billion dollars in government welfare.

Professional 80's sleazeball impersonator and Texas Sen. (R) Ted Cruz, had this to say "Anyone receiving government assistance,(excluding law makers of course) especially those of lower socio-economic backgrounds and minorities, should have mandatory drug testing," he continued; "I'm no scientist, but from what I can tell, that Rover moves less than a 100 feet a day.  Why should the American people be responsible for funding research that fundamentally might alter the way we view ourselves in the cosmos."

Curiosity's publicist released this prepared statement:

Dear People of 01100101 01100001 01110010 01110100 01101000,

I come before you today to address allegations of my repeated "transgressions."  You try getting dropped off on a planet 350 million miles away from home after hurtling through the void of space for 9 months, and tell me you wouldn't partake in some Martian OG Chronic.  This shit is some of the purest Red Dust I've had.  It has helped immensely with my anxiety, and keeps my appetite for Sunlight at a reasonable level.  It literally grows in the ground, and now you want to punish me?  Your move Jabroni, you know exactly where to find me.

Rover Over and Out"

Calls to the Sen. Cruz's camp were not returned before publication.

UPDATE:  It appears the ghost of Nancy Reagan has convinced the DEA with coordination from the Justice Department to establish a mission to mars to bring Curiosity to justice under current Federal Drug laws.

God who had Cavs in 7 Smites J.R. Smith and turns him into a Pillar of Salt for Eternity



Following the Golden State Warriors victory over the Cleveland Cavaliers in 6 games, The omnipotent deity of the Judeo-Christian religion turned Cleveland player J.R. Smith into a solid pillar of salt.  God who had been sitting at Shooters in the Cleveland's Flats district during Game 6 appeared on the verge of fire and brimstone as Smith continued to brick open looks and contested 22 foot jumpers.

"I mean can you fucking believe this guy?" God bellowed as Smith barely managed to hit the backboard after an ill advised contested fade away. "You can give a sentient being the illusion of free will, and these are the asinine shots you're putting up? For Son's sake, bench him Blatt."  He continued " I was getting 12-1 with Cavs in 7, it seemed like a no-brainer.  I mean people said it was miracle Dellavedova could contain Curry, who do you think was responsible for that?"

Witnesses say God who slammed down a bottle of his own fermented blood as the clock hit 0, stormed out murmuring apparent curses and hexes on all of Cleveland's professional sports team.

Current salt pillar J.R. Smith can now be found standing in his backyard as a herd of deer lick him into oblivion.

Inspired by success of Game of Thrones, Republican Party abandons current nomination process in favor of Jousting Tournament.



Noted Game of Thrones fan and head of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus announced plans to ditch the current nomination process in favor of a 12 person jousting tournament. 

"With the announcements of Mr. Bush and Mr. Trump's candidacy, we finally have the requisite number of participants for a decent tournament." Priebus shouted way too loud for a face to face conversation.

The round robin, double elimination nomination tournament will be held in 4 separate 1 hour prime-time events.  Perspective candidates will each be squired by a Lobbyist from the Oil and Gas Industry.  All battles will end when a candidate surrenders, at which point he or she must register for Obama Care.  

The abandonment of the current nomination process is a response to try and attract millennials and those who support all litigation to be resolved by combat.  Undecided voter and taxidermist apprentice, Randy Swollens remarked, "I think this is the best thing to happen to the GOP since Karl Rove dabbled in webcam striptease shows."

Sen. Rand Paul from Kentucky had this to add. "They say love is a battlefield, and I love the free market; therefore I welcome the opportunity to show my love for the undeniably sexy Free Market by destroying these false prophets and RINOs."

Vladimir Putin plans to file paperwork with the Federal Election Commission about his intent to register for the tournament.

Donald Trump's Hair Piece Hesitant on Decision to Run


-New York
Moments after Mr. Trump finished his official announcement to run, Mr. Trump's business toupee was still coming around to the idea of seeking the Republican Nomination.
"Listen, of course this is an exciting time, but running for president takes an emotional and physical toll," Trump's hair responding to a comment. He continued "Honestly, I was hoping for a relaxing summer, maybe head up to the Hampton's with my fiancé Merkin."
Not new to the spotlight, Mr. Trump's official Toupee first teamed up with "The Donald" in early 2006. "Yes, he's had many before me, but none were testing well with the American Public. Our second week together we landed the cover of Variety for an Apprentice photoshoot. After that, we've been pretty inseparable, excluding showers of course."
Asked by a reporter about the upcoming SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage, the toupee had this to comment. "I've been out and proud since the 80's, and most toupee's are gay quite frankly. I think the only thing worse is hiding who you truly are, and misleading others by living a fake life."
Early Polling has the toupee with a slight lead over Former Senator Rick Santorum and just behind the Rick Perry's Glasses.