8/19/2015
-Butler Pennsylvania
Following months of absolute embarrassment and defeat at the polls, the Rick Santorum for President Campaign has been placed in hospice care. Last weeks PolitiNO poll looking at the likability of all the candidates, the Santorum Campaign finshed with; 17% of respondents voting "Ew", 80% "Who?", with the remaining 13% as "Upset to even have to think of him."
The Santorum Campaign was conceived after a drug fueled one night stand between Rick Santorum and 5 political super donors of the conservative right. From it's infancy, the Santorum Campaign was raised on a steady diet of bigotry and bad science. At the age of one, the Campaign made a run for the 2012 Republican Nomination, even garnering a few delegates, which is something it reiterates again and again. After the failed bid, the campaign headed to Koch University where it majored in fake hysteria and corporate subsidies.
Nearing the end, the Campaign questioned why his father Rick, who after communicating with God decided to run in the first place. "Look, Rick told me he talked to the Almighty, and that it was important to get back in the game. I figured with that kind of divine mandate, I'd at least be polling in the double digits. I reached out to the the Supreme Being, and just like the past 2000 years, I have yet to hear a word."
The Campaign, who's life force depends on raising and spending millions of dollars has been unable to maintain healthy levels of financing. When Dr.'s took a look at current levels, they gave the campaign two weeks to a month before it would finally be laid to rest. "To be honest, looking at the Campaign, it's a political marvel it made it past 2012. I'm not saying for certain blood magic is the reason this campaign is still sputtering along, but how else do explain it?" said Dr. Khal.
