Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Sources say Sean Hannity to Resign after more allegations of sexual harassment brought against Roger Ailes

BREAKING: 2:45pm

Following nearly two decades as an employee of Fox News, Sean Hannity plans to step down following the 2016 Presidential Election.  A source close to the situation said Hannity, 61, was shocked by the bombshell allegations of sexual harassment and mistreatment to dozens of Fox News employees.   

Hannity who was a relatively unknown radio host, joined Fox News in 1996 personally hand picked by Roger Ailes to host a nightly talk show.  Hannity has been a staunch Ailes defender throughout his tenure at Fox.  In his 2009 autobiography, Hannity goes into his relationship with Mr. Ailes.

“Roger was more than a boss.  He was a mentor, a friend; someone you could just see yourself rolling around in a sleeping bag together while the 24 hour Strom Thurmond filibuster plays romantically in the background.  A genius at talent evaluation obviously.”

Mr. Hannity was the first to dismiss the Gretchen Carlson lawsuit alleging years of crude comments and solicitations for sex.  “I’ve known Roger for 20 years, if there was any molestation going on, don’t you think I would have heard it?”  Despite years of hearing rumors, Hannity took matters into his own hands.  “On several dozens of occasions, I dressed up as Ronald Reagan in a border patrol uniform and cleaned his office.  Not ONE inappropriate comment.  OK?”  He continued, “Notice how all of these allegations are from female employees, the liberal media wants to talk work place inequality, but where are they now, why haven’t I been sexually harassed?”

As more and more allegations of work place misbehavior against Mr. Ailes continued to flood in, Mr. Hannity’s frustration started to boil over into his daily radio show.  During a recent show, nearing the end of a 12-minute tirade on why minorities will teach your kids to worship Satan in Spanish, Hannity seemed to address some personal issues. 
“I love America.  I loved working under Roger Ailes.  But what does it get you after 20 years and not one compliment on my ass.  He knew I had been working out.  Never one “Ohh Hey Seanny Poo why don’t you give FOXY Daddy a twirl.”  In the four dinners we’ve had over that span, he can’t even drop a spoon for me to pick up?  I heard he might be into those Miss America frauds, but it is nearly impossible to get into the pageant circuit as a middle aged white guy.   Liberals say I have Privilege? Where’s my Privilege? Where’s my slap on the behind?  Where’s the promotion for me in exchange for oral sex?”

Update:  Sean Hannity was last seen speeding to the New Jersey Miss America trials in full formal gown wear.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Santorum Campaign now on Hospice Following Recent Polls.


-Butler Pennsylvania

Following months of absolute embarrassment and defeat at the polls, the Rick Santorum for President Campaign has been placed in hospice care.  Last weeks PolitiNO poll looking at the likability of all the candidates, the Santorum Campaign finshed with; 17% of respondents voting "Ew",  80% "Who?", with the remaining 13% as "Upset to even have to think of him."

The Santorum Campaign was conceived after a drug fueled one night stand between Rick Santorum and 5 political super donors of the conservative right.  From it's infancy, the Santorum Campaign was raised on a steady diet of bigotry and bad science.  At the age of one, the Campaign made a run for the 2012 Republican Nomination, even garnering a few delegates, which is something it reiterates again and again.  After the failed bid, the campaign headed to Koch University where it majored in fake hysteria and corporate subsidies.

Nearing the end, the Campaign questioned why his father Rick, who after communicating with God decided to run in the first place.  "Look, Rick told me he talked to the Almighty, and that it was important to get back in the game.  I figured with that kind of divine mandate, I'd at least be polling in the double digits.  I reached out to the the Supreme Being, and just like the past 2000 years, I have yet to hear a word."

The Campaign, who's life force depends on raising and spending millions of dollars has been unable to maintain healthy levels of financing.  When Dr.'s took a look at current levels, they gave the campaign two weeks to a month before it would finally be laid to rest.  "To be honest, looking at the Campaign, it's a political marvel it made it past 2012.  I'm not saying for certain blood magic is the reason this campaign is still sputtering along, but how else do explain it?" said Dr. Khal.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Man who trusted Fart Feels Utterly Betrayed after Morning Coffee

Austin, TX-

Danny Shartles*, a 42 year old office manager, expressed pure disdain after a routine morning activity took a slippery turn.  Mr Shartles, an avid 2 cup a day coffee drinker finished his usual 9- AM triple espresso soy latte without issue.  Extingusihing his Marlboro Light in the designated smoking recepticle, Mr. Shartles made the long journey up the 3 story office complex.

Danny Shartles describes his diet as somewhere between embarrassing and completely unacceptable. The two sausage, egg, and cheese mcgriddle's that morning were nothing out of the ordinary.  Fearing an unpleasant odor situation among colleagues, Mr. Shartles paused on the second floor stairway, to let out a routine post coffee flatulence.  "Immediately, I knew something had gone terribly wrong" Mr. Shartles said from the 3rd floor bathroom stall.  "My farts are usually a relief to my stomach, but this was sheer terror.  My body has completely betrayed me."

When asked what his plans for the rest day included, Mr. Shartles exclaimed, "I texted my out of work cousin Frank to see if he can swing by my place for a change of clothes.  Until then, I'll be here playing Words with Friends on my phone."

*Names have not been changed.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Ohio Man Rethinking Anti-Umbrella Stance


Robert N. Appels, 34 year old Columbus man is reconsidering his stance on umbrellas.  Appels, who was raised anti-umbrella since childhood, says the recent trend of more and more rain is making it "difficult to ignore."  "My parents were very fundamentalist poncho practitioners growing up.  My siblings and I just thought that's how the world worked.  It's hard now, because every time the umbrella situation comes up at work, my coworkers ridicule me for not getting with the times."

"I grew up in rural Arizona, and I rarely saw an umbrella out in public.  I guess most umbrella's were kept in the closet because it would look weird parading an umbrella around like that.  I'm guessing most umbrella people were afraid of the ridicule.  All of our neighbors were rain fearing poncho adherents."

"Once I moved to Short North area of Columbus, I couldn't believe the amount of umbrellas I saw.  Get this, I was walking past Union Cafe, and I saw 14 umbrellas out on the patio, just taking in the day.  It wasn't even raining, but there they were, blocking the sun for the patrons enjoying a nice brunch.  It was definitely an eye opening experience."

Asked if he would consider supporting an umbrella lifestyle, Appels responded, "The more I think about it, I'm not even sure why I was against them in the first place.  I've never been hurt by an umbrella, and quite a few of my friends rave about their style and dependability."

Editor's Note:  Mr. Appels wanted to let his family and friends know about his recent engagement to his long time partner following the recent Supreme Court ruling.  The wedding is scheduled for April 2016.  Umbrellas and Ponchos will be provided to all guests in the case of rain.

Escaped Inmate Leaves Scathing Uber Review

-Dannemora, NY

Following the recent arrest of escaped inmate David Sweat, Booze Brain Productions has obtained a non exclusive review of an Uber ride that never showed.

0 Stars

Zero FUCKING stars.

Requested an Uber for pickup at a secluded location near 2:00 am.  A driver named Joyce confirmed ride, and then never showed.  Tried to request another driver, but by that point it was surging 4.2x. Since Joyce never showed, I had to spend nearly three weeks hiking around up state New York in the forest.  Spoiler alert, it was pretty fucking awful.  I got lost and ended up losing my travel companion, who I just found out was shot in the head.  Not planning on using Uber for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Despite Pleas from her Advisers, Hilary Clinton Makes Free the Nipple Campaign #1 Priority


Before attending nearly 300 fundraisers later in the day, Hillary Clinton emerged from a meeting with strategists armed with a new focus and vigor on a variety of issues.  Many political analysts expected a re-branding after recent gains made by Sen. Bernie Sanders, and a general lackluster show of crowds at public events.

Former; First Lady, distinguished Senator from New York, Secretary of State, and current WWE Intercontinental Champion, Hillary Clinton took the podium to answer questions from reporters. Here is a small excerpt from the exchange, in which she explains her priorities going forward.

Reporter:  "Scott Windex, of Streaky Windows Observer, Recent polling shows you are still struggling to attract independents, especially men, how do you think you can make inroads with this demographic?"

Candidate Clinton:  "Well Scott, I'm really glad you brought that up.  Since the beginning of this campaign, I've only tried to do two things; figure out what is important to the American People, and raise a shit load of money.  Listening and stackin paper, ya mean?"

Reporter:  "Richard Trickle of Yellow Stream Examiner, You've been talking about an economy for the future, is that still your main concern?"

Award Winning Hot Dog Vendor Clinton: "Richard, what a fantastic question.  After much thought, the economy isn't really sexy or interesting anymore.  I've decided to change course and support the Free the Nipple Campaign.  Celebrity nipples are always near the top of trending topics, and I've always thought my nipples (Elanor Roosevelt and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis)  have a lot to offer to the American Public.  Therefore, starting today, I will only be appearing where my nipples and all American nipples, gay or straight, are welcome on display. Thank you everyone, that will be all for today."

Mrs. Clinton, former free diving world record holder, abruptly turned from the podium, at which point released her nipples to the the press corp and sang an A Capella rendition of God Bless America.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia Nervous about Marrying Another Man

-Washington DC

On the eve of what many court watchers expect a decision regarding the ruling of Marriage Equality, Justice Antonin Scalia was visibly disturbed on his way to a car.  Boozebrain Productions has obtained an excerpt from Mr. Scalia's personal yellow legal pad.


 Dear Diary,

          I am FREAKING OUT right now.  It's only a matter of time before LGBT people will have the same marriage rights as straight ones.  I've sworn an oath to protect and defend my true love; the sexy, syntaxy, barely there articles of the U.S. Constitution.  If marriage is Constitutionally protected for all, I see no other choice then to marry another man.  It seems prudent I should at least begin exploring a suitable mate.  Clarence "Teddy right to Bear arms" Thomas???  ( REMINDER: Ask the notorious RUTH Bader-G if interracial marriage is legal yet).
         I wonder if Dick "Slinging Bullets" Cheney would be open to the idea.  I mean he already has a lesbian daughter...could at least get some pointers from her.  His heart might be fake, but I heard his mouth rivals a hoover vac.
       NOTE TO SELF: ASK LINDSEY G TO SET UP GRINDR ACCT.  Chief Roberts is giving me the stink eye, better get going, yet his soft skin and warm inviting eyes....ohh there I go again, maybe this won't be soooooo bad after all. <3<3<3<3

When we reached out to Mr. Scalia for comment, he sent back a picture of himself naked covered only by strategically placed guns