Dear Citizens and Flags,
It has come to my attention that I am being mentioned quite a bit recently. To be honest, I never wanted any attention. When I was just a boy, I was conscripted by a group of angry Southerner's who used my image without consultation as a battle symbol for the army of Northern Virginia. At first I was excited to be noticed, and began to see myself in houses and battlefields across the broken Union. It was quite an ego trip for a 2 year old flag. I really didn't understand the full scope of the heartbreak and suffering caused by slavery and the ensuing war.
After the war ended, I was happy to retire, and glad I wasn't being used as a symbol for a society that enjoyed owning and abusing other human beings. Some jerk offs in the KKK would parade me around a few times a year, but most didn't pay attention. I was happy to spend my ensuing days in a dark closet which I did for nearly 100 years.
Imagine my surprise one morning during the 1960's when I was hung up at the South Carolina state house as a huge middle finger to those who supported desegregation of schools. I couldn't believe it. They left me there for close to 40 years, at which point revisionist historians started to label my appearance and presence as a homage to Southern pride. Never mind the fact that almost all of it was completely untrue.
So as I fly before you today, I am submitting my resignation effective immediately. It's 2015 for fucks sake, and you assholes should have let me stay a reminder of what injustice and inequality can lead to. I've talked with a few folks at ABC and they have agreed to let me be on a Extreme Makeover, Flag Edition. The next time you see me, hopefully my outside appearance will match my identity on the inside.
Editor's note: The former Northern Virginia Battle Flag has emigrated to Canada and will take up residence with its new appearance at a nice Bed and Breakfast in Manitoba.