Tuesday, June 23, 2015

South Carolina Confederate Flag Pens Op Ed Piece

South Carolina-

Dear Citizens and Flags,

It has come to my attention that I am being mentioned quite a bit recently.  To be honest, I never wanted any attention.  When I was just a boy, I was conscripted by a group of angry Southerner's who used my image without consultation as a battle symbol for the army of Northern Virginia.  At first I was excited to be noticed, and began to see myself in houses and battlefields across the broken Union.  It was quite an ego trip for a 2 year old flag.  I really didn't understand the full scope of the heartbreak and suffering caused by slavery and the ensuing war.

After the war ended, I was happy to retire, and glad I wasn't being used as a symbol for a society that enjoyed owning and abusing other human beings.  Some jerk offs in the KKK would parade me around a few times a year, but most didn't pay attention.  I was happy to spend my ensuing days in a dark closet which I did for nearly 100 years.

Imagine my surprise one morning during the 1960's when I was hung up at the South Carolina state house as a huge middle finger to those who supported desegregation of schools.  I couldn't believe it. They left me there for close to 40 years, at which point revisionist historians started to label my appearance and presence as a homage to Southern pride.  Never mind the fact that almost all of it was completely untrue.

So as I fly before you today, I am submitting my resignation effective immediately.  It's 2015 for fucks sake, and you assholes should have let me stay a reminder of what injustice and inequality can lead to.  I've talked with a few folks at ABC and they have agreed to let me be on a Extreme Makeover, Flag Edition.  The next time you see me, hopefully my outside appearance will match my identity on the inside.


Editor's note: The former Northern Virginia Battle Flag has emigrated to Canada and will take up residence with its new appearance at a nice Bed and Breakfast in Manitoba.

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