Thursday, July 9, 2015

Man who trusted Fart Feels Utterly Betrayed after Morning Coffee

Austin, TX-

Danny Shartles*, a 42 year old office manager, expressed pure disdain after a routine morning activity took a slippery turn.  Mr Shartles, an avid 2 cup a day coffee drinker finished his usual 9- AM triple espresso soy latte without issue.  Extingusihing his Marlboro Light in the designated smoking recepticle, Mr. Shartles made the long journey up the 3 story office complex.

Danny Shartles describes his diet as somewhere between embarrassing and completely unacceptable. The two sausage, egg, and cheese mcgriddle's that morning were nothing out of the ordinary.  Fearing an unpleasant odor situation among colleagues, Mr. Shartles paused on the second floor stairway, to let out a routine post coffee flatulence.  "Immediately, I knew something had gone terribly wrong" Mr. Shartles said from the 3rd floor bathroom stall.  "My farts are usually a relief to my stomach, but this was sheer terror.  My body has completely betrayed me."

When asked what his plans for the rest day included, Mr. Shartles exclaimed, "I texted my out of work cousin Frank to see if he can swing by my place for a change of clothes.  Until then, I'll be here playing Words with Friends on my phone."

*Names have not been changed.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Ohio Man Rethinking Anti-Umbrella Stance


Robert N. Appels, 34 year old Columbus man is reconsidering his stance on umbrellas.  Appels, who was raised anti-umbrella since childhood, says the recent trend of more and more rain is making it "difficult to ignore."  "My parents were very fundamentalist poncho practitioners growing up.  My siblings and I just thought that's how the world worked.  It's hard now, because every time the umbrella situation comes up at work, my coworkers ridicule me for not getting with the times."

"I grew up in rural Arizona, and I rarely saw an umbrella out in public.  I guess most umbrella's were kept in the closet because it would look weird parading an umbrella around like that.  I'm guessing most umbrella people were afraid of the ridicule.  All of our neighbors were rain fearing poncho adherents."

"Once I moved to Short North area of Columbus, I couldn't believe the amount of umbrellas I saw.  Get this, I was walking past Union Cafe, and I saw 14 umbrellas out on the patio, just taking in the day.  It wasn't even raining, but there they were, blocking the sun for the patrons enjoying a nice brunch.  It was definitely an eye opening experience."

Asked if he would consider supporting an umbrella lifestyle, Appels responded, "The more I think about it, I'm not even sure why I was against them in the first place.  I've never been hurt by an umbrella, and quite a few of my friends rave about their style and dependability."

Editor's Note:  Mr. Appels wanted to let his family and friends know about his recent engagement to his long time partner following the recent Supreme Court ruling.  The wedding is scheduled for April 2016.  Umbrellas and Ponchos will be provided to all guests in the case of rain.

Escaped Inmate Leaves Scathing Uber Review

-Dannemora, NY

Following the recent arrest of escaped inmate David Sweat, Booze Brain Productions has obtained a non exclusive review of an Uber ride that never showed.

0 Stars

Zero FUCKING stars.

Requested an Uber for pickup at a secluded location near 2:00 am.  A driver named Joyce confirmed ride, and then never showed.  Tried to request another driver, but by that point it was surging 4.2x. Since Joyce never showed, I had to spend nearly three weeks hiking around up state New York in the forest.  Spoiler alert, it was pretty fucking awful.  I got lost and ended up losing my travel companion, who I just found out was shot in the head.  Not planning on using Uber for the rest of my life.