Thursday, June 18, 2015

Curiosity Rover on Mars Fails 3rd Drug Test



Engineers expressed their disappointment, after super star rover Curiosity failed its 3rd drug test in as many tries.  Drug testing was instituted at NASA for employees receiving government assistance after Tea Party Republicans learned Curiosity had received over $1 billion dollars in government welfare.

Professional 80's sleazeball impersonator and Texas Sen. (R) Ted Cruz, had this to say "Anyone receiving government assistance,(excluding law makers of course) especially those of lower socio-economic backgrounds and minorities, should have mandatory drug testing," he continued; "I'm no scientist, but from what I can tell, that Rover moves less than a 100 feet a day.  Why should the American people be responsible for funding research that fundamentally might alter the way we view ourselves in the cosmos."

Curiosity's publicist released this prepared statement:

Dear People of 01100101 01100001 01110010 01110100 01101000,

I come before you today to address allegations of my repeated "transgressions."  You try getting dropped off on a planet 350 million miles away from home after hurtling through the void of space for 9 months, and tell me you wouldn't partake in some Martian OG Chronic.  This shit is some of the purest Red Dust I've had.  It has helped immensely with my anxiety, and keeps my appetite for Sunlight at a reasonable level.  It literally grows in the ground, and now you want to punish me?  Your move Jabroni, you know exactly where to find me.

Rover Over and Out"

Calls to the Sen. Cruz's camp were not returned before publication.

UPDATE:  It appears the ghost of Nancy Reagan has convinced the DEA with coordination from the Justice Department to establish a mission to mars to bring Curiosity to justice under current Federal Drug laws.

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