Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Sources say Sean Hannity to Resign after more allegations of sexual harassment brought against Roger Ailes

BREAKING: 2:45pm

Following nearly two decades as an employee of Fox News, Sean Hannity plans to step down following the 2016 Presidential Election.  A source close to the situation said Hannity, 61, was shocked by the bombshell allegations of sexual harassment and mistreatment to dozens of Fox News employees.   

Hannity who was a relatively unknown radio host, joined Fox News in 1996 personally hand picked by Roger Ailes to host a nightly talk show.  Hannity has been a staunch Ailes defender throughout his tenure at Fox.  In his 2009 autobiography, Hannity goes into his relationship with Mr. Ailes.

“Roger was more than a boss.  He was a mentor, a friend; someone you could just see yourself rolling around in a sleeping bag together while the 24 hour Strom Thurmond filibuster plays romantically in the background.  A genius at talent evaluation obviously.”

Mr. Hannity was the first to dismiss the Gretchen Carlson lawsuit alleging years of crude comments and solicitations for sex.  “I’ve known Roger for 20 years, if there was any molestation going on, don’t you think I would have heard it?”  Despite years of hearing rumors, Hannity took matters into his own hands.  “On several dozens of occasions, I dressed up as Ronald Reagan in a border patrol uniform and cleaned his office.  Not ONE inappropriate comment.  OK?”  He continued, “Notice how all of these allegations are from female employees, the liberal media wants to talk work place inequality, but where are they now, why haven’t I been sexually harassed?”

As more and more allegations of work place misbehavior against Mr. Ailes continued to flood in, Mr. Hannity’s frustration started to boil over into his daily radio show.  During a recent show, nearing the end of a 12-minute tirade on why minorities will teach your kids to worship Satan in Spanish, Hannity seemed to address some personal issues. 
“I love America.  I loved working under Roger Ailes.  But what does it get you after 20 years and not one compliment on my ass.  He knew I had been working out.  Never one “Ohh Hey Seanny Poo why don’t you give FOXY Daddy a twirl.”  In the four dinners we’ve had over that span, he can’t even drop a spoon for me to pick up?  I heard he might be into those Miss America frauds, but it is nearly impossible to get into the pageant circuit as a middle aged white guy.   Liberals say I have Privilege? Where’s my Privilege? Where’s my slap on the behind?  Where’s the promotion for me in exchange for oral sex?”

Update:  Sean Hannity was last seen speeding to the New Jersey Miss America trials in full formal gown wear.